Becoming interested in a whole new subject, listening to good messages on what happens to us after death. It's a whole new learning - fascinating.
Here is my smiley: "What did one teddy say to the other?
Life without you is unbearable!"
Our story continues to have adult content! (Fun comment!)
*****
We left Bethany intensely in love and that was the only thing we were sure of. Being from two provinces, we had no idea where to settle!
We were extremely appreciative when, Jackie, a BC friend of Wilma’s invited us to join them. Jackie was from BC who had also found her partner, Irwin, at Bethany who was also from Saskatchewan. (Have you noticed in this scientific study, that the BC girls like the the prairie guys?) They were hoping to get established in BC and then marry as soon as possible.
Her father had offered to set them up in Vancouver with a place to rent and work. Jackie approached us, they needed roommates, would we join them? We took them up on this amazing offer and remain forever grateful to her father.
Jackie and Wilma worked at Mutual Life Insurance of Canada in downtown Vancouver right next to the Vancouver Hotel. Irwin and I were set up with a construction job that moved to various sites around the city.
Our issue was transportation! For this to work Wilma and I needed wheels! With us working in Vancouver and her family living in the in the Fraser Valley, we definitely needed transportation.
So just as Jackie's father had helped, now Wilma's father and brother-in-law co-signed for a tiny brand new 510 Datsun! Wow! We were set.
Three cheers for parents and family who help set up young couples!
The first adjustment was that construction in BC differed from construction on the prairies! They had adjusted to the rain. It had to be raining pretty hard before we would take notice, electrical cords lying in puddles didn’t seem to bother anyone. Huge tolerance for water. I had to swing my hand past the metal saw handle to see if I could pick it up without a shock! On the prairie if rain threatened he'd mark out a square on a floor or plywood and when there were 12 drops in it we went home!
But, in BC if just one snowflake appeared, oh horrors, everything shut down immediately.
For us as a couple, it was time to spend some money like buying wedding rings, get engaged, have a party, and of course plan our wedding to be held in Wilma's home church the Greendale Mennonite Brethren church. This took a lot of Wilma’s attention, navigating the family dynamics, buying a wedding gown, adjusting to working full time and living in a big city.
Overshadowing all of this was of course, our passion, the physical force of wanting to consummate our desire for each other that conflicted big time with the biblical expectations of remaining pure for our wedding night.
It had been hard enough in Bethany where there were rules, but now that we were on our own it was pure torture to say "good bye" to each other every evening.
We made it – just barely. :-) !
Once we were engaged, we went to the church pastor for pre-marital counselling and spent a great deal of time to discussing our marriage expectations. What kind of relationship did we want?
Given the unique challenges that we would face in our marriage
I'm so glad we set a good foundation for a marriage that would last, now being 53 years.
One of the first things we resolved was to watch our words. Respect. It was clear that each of us came out of our family culture feeling "rejected!" She had faced all the dysfunctions of being the middle child and the insecurity of not feeling she belonged to the family as well. Both of us knew from personal experience that “Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” was a misnomer. Words had almost destroyed both of us – so we resolved to handle each other with kind words – always and forever.
We were taught – and not sure exactly where this came from – that we needed to pay as much attention to the man’s appetite for sexual fulfilment as the woman’s appetite for words and reassurances. Both could not be denied - in fact both needed to be enjoyed - that the bed and the table should never be a battle ground. For example, Tim Hortons, (and the like) became a neutral public place, to discuss the tough subjects and battle them out.
The most important sage advice was given to us by Dr. FC Peters – who looked us both in the eyes – and said, “Never blame the other for what the other cannot change.” Blame is deadly in a marriage and could have so easily destroyed us.
From dozens of sermons, we learned the golden rule of marriage “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesian 4:26 According to the Bible, both anger and trauma can be shelved. They both have a shelf life of one night. Mind you – both have to be respected and treated with extreme care. One way we learned to do this was to confess our love. “I love you." and then add, I’m a bit upset – but it can keep until the morning. In the meantime let’s just sleep…. (in the same bed, of course!)
Another foundation, which was established when I proposed, that our main goal in life was not to establish a family, white picket fence and the usual, but to remain creatives and create with each other. Our marriage was based on wanting to have an adventure rather than financial security. We were going to help each other be artists and support whatever creative expression the other chose for themselves.
That was the foundation of marriage!
The first adventure/challenge that we faced was the wedding ceremony itself! For some archaic reason the MB Church ceremony would not allow the groom to lift the veil and kiss the bride, even in the ceremony itself! Even after they'd said their "I do's."
Wilma, the true romantic, went on the warpath! We were going to kiss! Apparently this had never been done in their church – but Wilma fought for it – and won! "Yea Wiffee!"
To me the wedding was rather perfunctory and routine….
The honeymoon on the other hand was absolutely out of this world.
Divine.
Throughout all of it, we just wanted to leave the wedding reception , throw the bouquet away, leave everyone behind and drive off in our little blue Datsun, finally alone, independent and together forever. Free!
That first night – Wilma came out wearing a light lime filmy short negligee bordered with frills.. I only had one thing in and that was this, that at the end of this "first honeymoon night" I wanted this incredible woman to know that Cliff Derksen loved her with every part of his being! It was heavenly!
Knowing we were mouse poor, just out of Bible School one of Wilma's sisters gave us a credit card for gas, for which we were forever grateful. We we crossed the border to Washington state and went on a road trip following the "Olympic Peninsula Loop" for our honey moon. We drove through the most amazing scenery, but guess what, by noon we were already looking for the next motel. Nothing topped the sight of those little roadside motels along the highway.
We loved each other perfectly.
Here is my smiley: "What did one teddy say to the other?
Life without you is unbearable!"
Our story continues to have adult content! (Fun comment!)
*****
We left Bethany intensely in love and that was the only thing we were sure of. Being from two provinces, we had no idea where to settle!
We were extremely appreciative when, Jackie, a BC friend of Wilma’s invited us to join them. Jackie was from BC who had also found her partner, Irwin, at Bethany who was also from Saskatchewan. (Have you noticed in this scientific study, that the BC girls like the the prairie guys?) They were hoping to get established in BC and then marry as soon as possible.
Her father had offered to set them up in Vancouver with a place to rent and work. Jackie approached us, they needed roommates, would we join them? We took them up on this amazing offer and remain forever grateful to her father.
Jackie and Wilma worked at Mutual Life Insurance of Canada in downtown Vancouver right next to the Vancouver Hotel. Irwin and I were set up with a construction job that moved to various sites around the city.
Our issue was transportation! For this to work Wilma and I needed wheels! With us working in Vancouver and her family living in the in the Fraser Valley, we definitely needed transportation.
So just as Jackie's father had helped, now Wilma's father and brother-in-law co-signed for a tiny brand new 510 Datsun! Wow! We were set.
Three cheers for parents and family who help set up young couples!
The first adjustment was that construction in BC differed from construction on the prairies! They had adjusted to the rain. It had to be raining pretty hard before we would take notice, electrical cords lying in puddles didn’t seem to bother anyone. Huge tolerance for water. I had to swing my hand past the metal saw handle to see if I could pick it up without a shock! On the prairie if rain threatened he'd mark out a square on a floor or plywood and when there were 12 drops in it we went home!
But, in BC if just one snowflake appeared, oh horrors, everything shut down immediately.
For us as a couple, it was time to spend some money like buying wedding rings, get engaged, have a party, and of course plan our wedding to be held in Wilma's home church the Greendale Mennonite Brethren church. This took a lot of Wilma’s attention, navigating the family dynamics, buying a wedding gown, adjusting to working full time and living in a big city.
Overshadowing all of this was of course, our passion, the physical force of wanting to consummate our desire for each other that conflicted big time with the biblical expectations of remaining pure for our wedding night.
It had been hard enough in Bethany where there were rules, but now that we were on our own it was pure torture to say "good bye" to each other every evening.
We made it – just barely. :-) !
Once we were engaged, we went to the church pastor for pre-marital counselling and spent a great deal of time to discussing our marriage expectations. What kind of relationship did we want?
Given the unique challenges that we would face in our marriage
I'm so glad we set a good foundation for a marriage that would last, now being 53 years.
One of the first things we resolved was to watch our words. Respect. It was clear that each of us came out of our family culture feeling "rejected!" She had faced all the dysfunctions of being the middle child and the insecurity of not feeling she belonged to the family as well. Both of us knew from personal experience that “Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” was a misnomer. Words had almost destroyed both of us – so we resolved to handle each other with kind words – always and forever.
We were taught – and not sure exactly where this came from – that we needed to pay as much attention to the man’s appetite for sexual fulfilment as the woman’s appetite for words and reassurances. Both could not be denied - in fact both needed to be enjoyed - that the bed and the table should never be a battle ground. For example, Tim Hortons, (and the like) became a neutral public place, to discuss the tough subjects and battle them out.
The most important sage advice was given to us by Dr. FC Peters – who looked us both in the eyes – and said, “Never blame the other for what the other cannot change.” Blame is deadly in a marriage and could have so easily destroyed us.
From dozens of sermons, we learned the golden rule of marriage “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesian 4:26 According to the Bible, both anger and trauma can be shelved. They both have a shelf life of one night. Mind you – both have to be respected and treated with extreme care. One way we learned to do this was to confess our love. “I love you." and then add, I’m a bit upset – but it can keep until the morning. In the meantime let’s just sleep…. (in the same bed, of course!)
Another foundation, which was established when I proposed, that our main goal in life was not to establish a family, white picket fence and the usual, but to remain creatives and create with each other. Our marriage was based on wanting to have an adventure rather than financial security. We were going to help each other be artists and support whatever creative expression the other chose for themselves.
That was the foundation of marriage!
The first adventure/challenge that we faced was the wedding ceremony itself! For some archaic reason the MB Church ceremony would not allow the groom to lift the veil and kiss the bride, even in the ceremony itself! Even after they'd said their "I do's."
Wilma, the true romantic, went on the warpath! We were going to kiss! Apparently this had never been done in their church – but Wilma fought for it – and won! "Yea Wiffee!"
To me the wedding was rather perfunctory and routine….
The honeymoon on the other hand was absolutely out of this world.
Divine.
Throughout all of it, we just wanted to leave the wedding reception , throw the bouquet away, leave everyone behind and drive off in our little blue Datsun, finally alone, independent and together forever. Free!
That first night – Wilma came out wearing a light lime filmy short negligee bordered with frills.. I only had one thing in and that was this, that at the end of this "first honeymoon night" I wanted this incredible woman to know that Cliff Derksen loved her with every part of his being! It was heavenly!
Knowing we were mouse poor, just out of Bible School one of Wilma's sisters gave us a credit card for gas, for which we were forever grateful. We we crossed the border to Washington state and went on a road trip following the "Olympic Peninsula Loop" for our honey moon. We drove through the most amazing scenery, but guess what, by noon we were already looking for the next motel. Nothing topped the sight of those little roadside motels along the highway.
We loved each other perfectly.
Wilma’s favorite poem - was also foundational as we set out on our marriage journey together....
Together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even
in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of your be alone,
Even as the strings of the lute are alone –
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
By Kahil Gibran.
Together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even
in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of your be alone,
Even as the strings of the lute are alone –
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
By Kahil Gibran.
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