A couple friends of ours gave me this amazing gift a "signed" Ehrler's # 27Jet Jersey, to watch the last game of the year. It was a special moment -- they, the Jets, even won! Thank you for the gift!
Do you know that hockey players love drinking tea? Their most favorite one is penal-tea.
My story full of beginnings and endings continues....
***********
Even though the search for Candace never left us, after seven weeks of "panic mode" living - basically up every second night working at something regarding the search and crashing the next night, we realized we couldn't maintain this pace indefinitely.
We had two other children who needed us. We had a mortgage, bills, and responsibilities that demanded we pay attention to life.
I had gone back to work a few hours each day shortly after Candace disappeared and knew I needed to put in more hours as spring was fast approaching for camp tasks piling up.
We were also aware that there were many children who disappear and are never found again; we knew it was entirely possible that we might have to live the rest of our lives not knowing.
In other words, we needed to accept what we could not change.
I mentioned this, but Wilma said that before she could accept and move on, she had one more niggle that she needed to satisfy. She did have a suspect in mind. This person had acted suspiciously over the last few weeks and she needed to do something about this....
I wasn't quite as convinced as she was but what harm was there?
She had mentioned this "niggle" to one of the officers, who had not taken her seriously. We were both working at the Camp Arnes office so she suggested that perhaps if we picked up Syras from the babysitters then went directly to the police station during the noon hour, reported our suspicions to the police, they would begin an investigation and we could start planning our new life that afternoon. At least we would have done everything we knew to do....
But once at the station, there was an eerie silence when we stepped through the front doors. The receptionist seemed unusually surprised when we introduced ourselves, and she hurried away to alert the supervisor. After a few minutes, the two sergeants assigned to the case greeted us. They, too, seemed unusually nervous. Had we done something wrong? Weren't we supposed to come to the station?
We tried to tell them that we had something to report that would only take a few minutes of their time, but they didn't want to listen to us. They told us it could wait; they had something much more important to tell us! "More important!" What could that be?
But they wanted to talk to me alone, they said. I hesitated, I could tell that this did not fit with Wilma at all! She hates to be excluded and this was so deliberate and so obvious; she was noticeably upset. They were being rude. I could read her thoughts. We had come together. It had been her idea? What was up with these people?
But they were insistent, so I finally just shrugged my shoulders. "I'm sorry, it won't take long," I whispered to her as I followed them into a big office.
Once alone they told me that they had found Candace, answered some of my questions and then told me that now I had to tell Wilma, and proceeded to usher us both into another office alone!
Thanks a lot - guys! How do you tell a mother that her daughter is dead? Once alone, I simply hugged her and told her that they had found Candace, that they had found her body....and that she had passed away. Meanwhile, I was still processing this myself.
Wilma was upset. "Cliff, don't joke about this. You don't come to the police station and then hear this kind of thing! It's too outrageous," she said evenly. "What do they really want?"
Then I understood her reasoning, this was way too coincidental! I began to explain how they'd been trying to get hold of us. (How crazy was this!) "We were at the Camp Arnes office. They know the number," she countered.
"Well, actually, they've been trying to get hold of Dave Loewen or Pastor Epp. They didn't want to tell us alone." I said. She knew that both men were out of the province, this finally made sense to her.
"Where?" she asked.
"She was found in a shack by the Nairn overpass."
"That close?"
I nodded.
"When did they find her?"
"This morning."
"Who all knows?"
"The media have been sitting on it until we're notified."
"How...did she die?"
"They don't know yet. Her hands and feet were tied. It looks like she froze to death."
It was too unreal. "Her hands and feet were tied?" The words swirled through our minds - slowly sinking in......
So what's next - she wondered as we stepped out of the office.
The police told us that we would need to go and identify her body - the police suggested I go alone. Wilma would have none of that. They wanted to drive us - but we didn't want that either. We said we were quite capable of driving ourselves and our car was just outside. Syras would come with us.
"Are you sure?" they asked.
"Yes, we're sure."
Then they let us go....
Candace's body was at Seven Oaks Hospital, northwest of where we lived. The officers told us that we would be expected. We would just have to enter the front doors and there would be someone there to meet us.
Before we entered we got Syras being entertained by an officer in the hallway.
I will never forget the moment we walked into the room. Her body lying so very still was covered with a sheet to hide evidence. Her once lively beautiful face visible - but frozen. The tiny body was a lifeless shell of who Candace once was.
As horrific as that moment was, we were glad for it. We were strangely relieved. We knew -- Candace was now safe in heaven.
But once outside the room it started to take on a new reality. We weren't taking Candace home with us. What we had so desperately looked for was no longer ours....
The drive home was slow -- and blurred... and lonely.
(Later - much later - we discovered that the person Wilma had suspected was on the police list as well - and remained a person of interest until the trial many years later.)
Do you know that hockey players love drinking tea? Their most favorite one is penal-tea.
My story full of beginnings and endings continues....
***********
Even though the search for Candace never left us, after seven weeks of "panic mode" living - basically up every second night working at something regarding the search and crashing the next night, we realized we couldn't maintain this pace indefinitely.
We had two other children who needed us. We had a mortgage, bills, and responsibilities that demanded we pay attention to life.
I had gone back to work a few hours each day shortly after Candace disappeared and knew I needed to put in more hours as spring was fast approaching for camp tasks piling up.
We were also aware that there were many children who disappear and are never found again; we knew it was entirely possible that we might have to live the rest of our lives not knowing.
In other words, we needed to accept what we could not change.
I mentioned this, but Wilma said that before she could accept and move on, she had one more niggle that she needed to satisfy. She did have a suspect in mind. This person had acted suspiciously over the last few weeks and she needed to do something about this....
I wasn't quite as convinced as she was but what harm was there?
She had mentioned this "niggle" to one of the officers, who had not taken her seriously. We were both working at the Camp Arnes office so she suggested that perhaps if we picked up Syras from the babysitters then went directly to the police station during the noon hour, reported our suspicions to the police, they would begin an investigation and we could start planning our new life that afternoon. At least we would have done everything we knew to do....
But once at the station, there was an eerie silence when we stepped through the front doors. The receptionist seemed unusually surprised when we introduced ourselves, and she hurried away to alert the supervisor. After a few minutes, the two sergeants assigned to the case greeted us. They, too, seemed unusually nervous. Had we done something wrong? Weren't we supposed to come to the station?
We tried to tell them that we had something to report that would only take a few minutes of their time, but they didn't want to listen to us. They told us it could wait; they had something much more important to tell us! "More important!" What could that be?
But they wanted to talk to me alone, they said. I hesitated, I could tell that this did not fit with Wilma at all! She hates to be excluded and this was so deliberate and so obvious; she was noticeably upset. They were being rude. I could read her thoughts. We had come together. It had been her idea? What was up with these people?
But they were insistent, so I finally just shrugged my shoulders. "I'm sorry, it won't take long," I whispered to her as I followed them into a big office.
Once alone they told me that they had found Candace, answered some of my questions and then told me that now I had to tell Wilma, and proceeded to usher us both into another office alone!
Thanks a lot - guys! How do you tell a mother that her daughter is dead? Once alone, I simply hugged her and told her that they had found Candace, that they had found her body....and that she had passed away. Meanwhile, I was still processing this myself.
Wilma was upset. "Cliff, don't joke about this. You don't come to the police station and then hear this kind of thing! It's too outrageous," she said evenly. "What do they really want?"
Then I understood her reasoning, this was way too coincidental! I began to explain how they'd been trying to get hold of us. (How crazy was this!) "We were at the Camp Arnes office. They know the number," she countered.
"Well, actually, they've been trying to get hold of Dave Loewen or Pastor Epp. They didn't want to tell us alone." I said. She knew that both men were out of the province, this finally made sense to her.
"Where?" she asked.
"She was found in a shack by the Nairn overpass."
"That close?"
I nodded.
"When did they find her?"
"This morning."
"Who all knows?"
"The media have been sitting on it until we're notified."
"How...did she die?"
"They don't know yet. Her hands and feet were tied. It looks like she froze to death."
It was too unreal. "Her hands and feet were tied?" The words swirled through our minds - slowly sinking in......
So what's next - she wondered as we stepped out of the office.
The police told us that we would need to go and identify her body - the police suggested I go alone. Wilma would have none of that. They wanted to drive us - but we didn't want that either. We said we were quite capable of driving ourselves and our car was just outside. Syras would come with us.
"Are you sure?" they asked.
"Yes, we're sure."
Then they let us go....
Candace's body was at Seven Oaks Hospital, northwest of where we lived. The officers told us that we would be expected. We would just have to enter the front doors and there would be someone there to meet us.
Before we entered we got Syras being entertained by an officer in the hallway.
I will never forget the moment we walked into the room. Her body lying so very still was covered with a sheet to hide evidence. Her once lively beautiful face visible - but frozen. The tiny body was a lifeless shell of who Candace once was.
As horrific as that moment was, we were glad for it. We were strangely relieved. We knew -- Candace was now safe in heaven.
But once outside the room it started to take on a new reality. We weren't taking Candace home with us. What we had so desperately looked for was no longer ours....
The drive home was slow -- and blurred... and lonely.
(Later - much later - we discovered that the person Wilma had suspected was on the police list as well - and remained a person of interest until the trial many years later.)
"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go."
- Mary Oliver
to love what is mortal;
to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go."
- Mary Oliver
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