My challenges look different these days - once it was a challenge to water ski now it is a challenge to climb stairs.
What social event do spiders love to attend? Webbings.
Let the story continue....
*******
There are many angles to a story - there is our own version, our own truth, and for us going through this - there was the public story.
A few days after Candace’s body was found, we organized a press conference to show our appreciation to the city of Winnipeg and thank them for being there for us. We held it at the school Candace had attended.
The press showed up in full Winnipeg force.
It was in the cafeteria – we sat behind a desk.
I began by reading a formal letter of appreciation.
Winnipeg had not only helped us look for our daughter, but they had also responded to our new passion which was to support other families looking for their children. With their generosity, we were able to initiate a Child Find in Manitoba.
Since Candace was all about friends = and since Winnipeg had become one massive friend - in keeping with her memory we simply invited everyone to Candace’s memorial service. It was a gesture of appreciation. I didn’t think anyone would want to attend a memorial service, but after the press announcement, our friends who were helping us organize things, and who knew better, immediately booked the largest church in town.
After the lights went down and the reporters were closing their little black notebooks, one of the reporters sitting closer to the back asked us how we felt about the perpetrator – the person who had murdered our daughter.
Both Wilma and I didn’t know how to answer that question. Frankly, we hadn’t given much thought to the murderer. From what the police officers had told us, we assumed it was a “street person” – and a stranger to us. Someone in distress - someone in need of compassion as well as justice.
We were much more preoccupied with the shadow of that dark, reptilian presence on our bed, but how do you explain that to a reporter? How do you describe the power to disengage? How do you explain how we were choosing an alternative route – the radical path of forgiveness?
We didn’t even know how to explain it to ourselves, much less do it.
Without thinking, we both said, “I am going to forgive.”
I was able to say, “I have forgiven.”
The next day the headlines in the newspaper were all about our choice to forgive.
And it was that word that sent us careening down an entirely different path than most parents of murdered children.
Shortly after the press conference an article was published in the Windsor Star. The title was: No revenge sought in murder, Winnipeg CP - Canadian Press.
The journalist had begun the article by quoting me.
‘“We would like to know who the person or persons are so we could share hopefully a love that seems to be missing in that person’s life,’ said Cliff Derksen embracing the Mennonite beliefs that dictate the way from revenge.”
Then the journalist had interviewed a University of Manitoba sociologist who said that the beliefs expressed by Cliff were exceptional but not surprising given that, in this case, they came from a religious place – Mennonite, to be exact.
“I understand the Mennonite religion quite well, and I expect that this would be their reaction,” he wrote. “But I sure wouldn’t expect it from anyone else who didn’t have these religious beliefs…. Something like 70 to 80 percent of Canadians want capital punishment – and the vast majority of them have never been touched by a murderer – even remotely.”
The writer then said that he had spoken to non-Mennonites who were afraid of our response. They believed that if the pursuit of Candace’s assailant was not carried through to its end, it would only prompt others to kill.
The article ended with this quote. “The Derksens are saying ‘forgive him,’ and they’re saying ‘what you’re doing is encouraging other people to do that again in the future.’”
I was surprised that the word forgiveness negated justice. We were not implying that the investigation should stop and the person not be held accountable, forgiveness means doing justice with compassion.
But mainly - at that moment - we were more concerned about addressing the presence, the trauma image inhabiting our bed.
Forgiveness was important in our own healing journey -- "letting go" of the trauma.
Besides that -- we were also learning what it all meant. We were more tentative then anyone realized. We didn't even know if forgiveness would work... for the trauma of murder. Salvation - yes - but murder?
For us it wasn't so much about the definitions of forgiveness - as the power it had to keep the darkness at bay.
What social event do spiders love to attend? Webbings.
Let the story continue....
*******
There are many angles to a story - there is our own version, our own truth, and for us going through this - there was the public story.
A few days after Candace’s body was found, we organized a press conference to show our appreciation to the city of Winnipeg and thank them for being there for us. We held it at the school Candace had attended.
The press showed up in full Winnipeg force.
It was in the cafeteria – we sat behind a desk.
I began by reading a formal letter of appreciation.
Winnipeg had not only helped us look for our daughter, but they had also responded to our new passion which was to support other families looking for their children. With their generosity, we were able to initiate a Child Find in Manitoba.
Since Candace was all about friends = and since Winnipeg had become one massive friend - in keeping with her memory we simply invited everyone to Candace’s memorial service. It was a gesture of appreciation. I didn’t think anyone would want to attend a memorial service, but after the press announcement, our friends who were helping us organize things, and who knew better, immediately booked the largest church in town.
After the lights went down and the reporters were closing their little black notebooks, one of the reporters sitting closer to the back asked us how we felt about the perpetrator – the person who had murdered our daughter.
Both Wilma and I didn’t know how to answer that question. Frankly, we hadn’t given much thought to the murderer. From what the police officers had told us, we assumed it was a “street person” – and a stranger to us. Someone in distress - someone in need of compassion as well as justice.
We were much more preoccupied with the shadow of that dark, reptilian presence on our bed, but how do you explain that to a reporter? How do you describe the power to disengage? How do you explain how we were choosing an alternative route – the radical path of forgiveness?
We didn’t even know how to explain it to ourselves, much less do it.
Without thinking, we both said, “I am going to forgive.”
I was able to say, “I have forgiven.”
The next day the headlines in the newspaper were all about our choice to forgive.
And it was that word that sent us careening down an entirely different path than most parents of murdered children.
Shortly after the press conference an article was published in the Windsor Star. The title was: No revenge sought in murder, Winnipeg CP - Canadian Press.
The journalist had begun the article by quoting me.
‘“We would like to know who the person or persons are so we could share hopefully a love that seems to be missing in that person’s life,’ said Cliff Derksen embracing the Mennonite beliefs that dictate the way from revenge.”
Then the journalist had interviewed a University of Manitoba sociologist who said that the beliefs expressed by Cliff were exceptional but not surprising given that, in this case, they came from a religious place – Mennonite, to be exact.
“I understand the Mennonite religion quite well, and I expect that this would be their reaction,” he wrote. “But I sure wouldn’t expect it from anyone else who didn’t have these religious beliefs…. Something like 70 to 80 percent of Canadians want capital punishment – and the vast majority of them have never been touched by a murderer – even remotely.”
The writer then said that he had spoken to non-Mennonites who were afraid of our response. They believed that if the pursuit of Candace’s assailant was not carried through to its end, it would only prompt others to kill.
The article ended with this quote. “The Derksens are saying ‘forgive him,’ and they’re saying ‘what you’re doing is encouraging other people to do that again in the future.’”
I was surprised that the word forgiveness negated justice. We were not implying that the investigation should stop and the person not be held accountable, forgiveness means doing justice with compassion.
But mainly - at that moment - we were more concerned about addressing the presence, the trauma image inhabiting our bed.
Forgiveness was important in our own healing journey -- "letting go" of the trauma.
Besides that -- we were also learning what it all meant. We were more tentative then anyone realized. We didn't even know if forgiveness would work... for the trauma of murder. Salvation - yes - but murder?
For us it wasn't so much about the definitions of forgiveness - as the power it had to keep the darkness at bay.
Forgiveness is not always easy.
At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered....
Yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
Marianne Williamson
At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered....
Yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
Marianne Williamson
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