I'm now having good days -- and "not so good" days. My day started not so good, but ended well. Thank you to my nieces and nephews from the West.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
The story continues.....
*******
Realizing that I was now like the stranger at our door the night that Candace had been found, who had obviously been in a very unhealthy mental state consumed with anger, was a startling realization.
At that time, we had just chosen the word "forgiveness" - said it and the trauma presence had left. Back then - we had support, we had clarity - we had the worst of crimes - and the best of help. Now I had none of that. This wasn't as dramatic or clear cut.
I knew that this anger wasn't going leave easily; this anger had festered in me for three years. It wasn’t out there happening to someone else – it was in me.
I began to confront my anger by trying to will my brain to stop cycling all my negativity, but the more I tried to change my thinking the more it cycled.
And there was no getting away from it. There was no distraction. There was no way out. I was caught driving my chey truck often with a 3000-pound load through the city, back and forth. I was stuck.
Then I remembered that as a pastor I had preached, taught and believed that the Bible is a sword. I had an obvious enemy in my head and the weapon of choice in a spiritual, mental emotional battle ... is a sword.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:17
I made a deal with God. I would take up the sword, I’d memorize scripture if he would heal my mind. And to make this deal real, I would let God choose the passage I was to memorize – hoping it wouldn’t be a book like Ephesians or Numbers.
I thumbed through my Bible and it opened to Jonah.
My reaction – good. It’s a story - an easy book to memorize! I was actually a little smug, thinking the book rather meaningless and would not really apply to my situation!
And so, I began slowly memorizing as I drove from one delivery to another.
A few verses in, I read. “But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish."
Was I running away? Was this God telling me that I was running away? Then I realized – God had tricked me. I was Jonah.
Then when the storms came and the fear overtook the crew members and they blamed Jonah, I was familiar with irresponsible blaming. It was a storm – a natural occurrence - yet they needed to find someone to blame.
Jonah doesn’t care. He just gave into it.
“Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
I was in a storm of uncontrolled emotion - I could relate being thrown into the ocean. I was in some ways doing just that....
“Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.”
Right on - by this time I had been driving for three years…in the belly of my black and gray truck.
I was feeling it all.
You have to remember, I wasn't just reading these words, I had truly given myself to the memorization process, which meant that I would first of all write out the passage in a note book in large letters so I could read it while driving. (I wasn’t about to be seen carrying and reading the Bible in my truck.)
And then as I got into it – I would write it out again leaving out key words and phrases forcing me to remember.
I was saying it over and over and over and over again…..
I was embracing it.
Then I came to the end of the story.... “When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he relented and did not bring on them the destruction he had threatened.”
The message was clear… change was possible!
And then the book addresses the anger. Jonah is not in the belly of the fish anymore but sitting under a tree that is shading him – yet he is angry.
“But the Lord replied, ‘Is it right for you to be angry?’”
It was as if God was asking, “Why are you angry?” to me - sitting in the truck.
God’s entire intention was to give a message of love to the desperate people in Nineveh. He was concerned for them… even their animals.
“And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—(referring to young children) and also many animals?”
There it was -- I was interpreting everything happening to me to be a force against me; the call of ministry, the storms, the blaming, the fish, and even the people I was called to help - were all because of a tyrannical, judgmental, all-powerful God who was trying to use me, manipulate me to doing something I didn't want to do.
When really God's entire purpose was to help the people of Nineveh, even their animals, and also to help Job - knowing that he would be healed by healing others.
The anger was gone replaced with wisdoms that continued to grow
Memorization changed me, and I loved my change. When you memorize you repeat the verse over and over again and with the repetition come new thoughts and the realization of new meaning. The Word of God is accompanied by the Holy Spirit who becomes a translator of the words, and one can’t help but gain new insight that can blow your mind as God continues to connect his words to other words in the Bible and to other experiences.
So, even after memorizing Jonah, I continued memorizing. I needed it - it was too fulfilling.
My memorization became known and I was given opportunities to recite Jonah - publicly. It take 12 minutes. I was performing again – and my voice was amplified it to make it sound like i was an actor in a Shakespearian play. Nothing is ever lost….
Slowly I found that my prayer life began to blossom as well. Instead of being angry with those around me, I found myself praying for them. And as I watched, I noticed that they were blossoming in their own lives as a result of my prayers. I started praising God in a new way.
I had found myself....
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
The story continues.....
*******
Realizing that I was now like the stranger at our door the night that Candace had been found, who had obviously been in a very unhealthy mental state consumed with anger, was a startling realization.
At that time, we had just chosen the word "forgiveness" - said it and the trauma presence had left. Back then - we had support, we had clarity - we had the worst of crimes - and the best of help. Now I had none of that. This wasn't as dramatic or clear cut.
I knew that this anger wasn't going leave easily; this anger had festered in me for three years. It wasn’t out there happening to someone else – it was in me.
I began to confront my anger by trying to will my brain to stop cycling all my negativity, but the more I tried to change my thinking the more it cycled.
And there was no getting away from it. There was no distraction. There was no way out. I was caught driving my chey truck often with a 3000-pound load through the city, back and forth. I was stuck.
Then I remembered that as a pastor I had preached, taught and believed that the Bible is a sword. I had an obvious enemy in my head and the weapon of choice in a spiritual, mental emotional battle ... is a sword.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:17
I made a deal with God. I would take up the sword, I’d memorize scripture if he would heal my mind. And to make this deal real, I would let God choose the passage I was to memorize – hoping it wouldn’t be a book like Ephesians or Numbers.
I thumbed through my Bible and it opened to Jonah.
My reaction – good. It’s a story - an easy book to memorize! I was actually a little smug, thinking the book rather meaningless and would not really apply to my situation!
And so, I began slowly memorizing as I drove from one delivery to another.
A few verses in, I read. “But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish."
Was I running away? Was this God telling me that I was running away? Then I realized – God had tricked me. I was Jonah.
Then when the storms came and the fear overtook the crew members and they blamed Jonah, I was familiar with irresponsible blaming. It was a storm – a natural occurrence - yet they needed to find someone to blame.
Jonah doesn’t care. He just gave into it.
“Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
I was in a storm of uncontrolled emotion - I could relate being thrown into the ocean. I was in some ways doing just that....
“Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.”
Right on - by this time I had been driving for three years…in the belly of my black and gray truck.
I was feeling it all.
You have to remember, I wasn't just reading these words, I had truly given myself to the memorization process, which meant that I would first of all write out the passage in a note book in large letters so I could read it while driving. (I wasn’t about to be seen carrying and reading the Bible in my truck.)
And then as I got into it – I would write it out again leaving out key words and phrases forcing me to remember.
I was saying it over and over and over and over again…..
I was embracing it.
Then I came to the end of the story.... “When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he relented and did not bring on them the destruction he had threatened.”
The message was clear… change was possible!
And then the book addresses the anger. Jonah is not in the belly of the fish anymore but sitting under a tree that is shading him – yet he is angry.
“But the Lord replied, ‘Is it right for you to be angry?’”
It was as if God was asking, “Why are you angry?” to me - sitting in the truck.
God’s entire intention was to give a message of love to the desperate people in Nineveh. He was concerned for them… even their animals.
“And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—(referring to young children) and also many animals?”
There it was -- I was interpreting everything happening to me to be a force against me; the call of ministry, the storms, the blaming, the fish, and even the people I was called to help - were all because of a tyrannical, judgmental, all-powerful God who was trying to use me, manipulate me to doing something I didn't want to do.
When really God's entire purpose was to help the people of Nineveh, even their animals, and also to help Job - knowing that he would be healed by healing others.
The anger was gone replaced with wisdoms that continued to grow
Memorization changed me, and I loved my change. When you memorize you repeat the verse over and over again and with the repetition come new thoughts and the realization of new meaning. The Word of God is accompanied by the Holy Spirit who becomes a translator of the words, and one can’t help but gain new insight that can blow your mind as God continues to connect his words to other words in the Bible and to other experiences.
So, even after memorizing Jonah, I continued memorizing. I needed it - it was too fulfilling.
My memorization became known and I was given opportunities to recite Jonah - publicly. It take 12 minutes. I was performing again – and my voice was amplified it to make it sound like i was an actor in a Shakespearian play. Nothing is ever lost….
Slowly I found that my prayer life began to blossom as well. Instead of being angry with those around me, I found myself praying for them. And as I watched, I noticed that they were blossoming in their own lives as a result of my prayers. I started praising God in a new way.
I had found myself....
Every time there are losses, there are choices to be made.
You choose to live your losses as passages
to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment,
or you choose to let these losses be passages
to something new, something wider, and deeper.
- Henri Nouwen
You choose to live your losses as passages
to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment,
or you choose to let these losses be passages
to something new, something wider, and deeper.
- Henri Nouwen
Just a little announcement. This Sunday May 15, Maplecrest is holding a inspirational service for me. I hope to attend at around 10 to receive prayer and encouragement. My goal is to finish writing my story and to encourage everyone to live their story or write it -- Life is worth paying attention to.... Park Theatre 698 Osborne Street, or watch and pray for me watch Maplecrest Church - Youtube. Blessings! https://youtu.be/CAHvQFZgAis
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