This feels surreal! Here I am, on Easter Sunday sitting up in my brand-new hospital bed, in what used to be my own dining room!
Beside me I have a large window, people walking their dogs. In front of me is our living room window where I can see birds and rabbits competing for seeds in the bird feeder on our porch. I can hear them chirping!
The reason I’m here is because of the sudden discovery of not only cancer but gall bladder, stage 4 cancer. Meaning it’s so progressed there will be no operation to take it out!
But I have complete control! Control of my brand new Hospital bed of course! I have complete control over this, my new domain. With the push of a button my bed will do any contortions I want it to do! Sit me up at any angle, feet up or down, whatever I demand, but that’s where it stops!
In most everything else I am losing control -- the scariest thing in life! Plus, I am also facing death in a very comparatively short time, counting in months, not years, according to the doctors of course!
So, you might ask how has this affected you? Are you ok? What might you need to do to prepare for the short time you have left?
Circumstantially, prior to this diagnosis I was writing my autography, actually studying my past to see how I could express it in words! In a few hours after learning I had cancer, I had a view that I’d never had before!
Like all of you I’ve had ups and downs in my life! Now I see the patterns – I’m seeing the hurts, the pains, the minimizations, were I felt I was taken advantage of! - and believe it or not -- I can still feel some of them viscerally..
Many I have forgiven, others, now in the writing process.
I also see how things were meant to disparage me or take advantage, were forgiven and how these were transformed into an amazing surprising blessing or correction of course, for me and/or even my family. With this realization it has also become easier to forgive.
What’s most difficult is to acknowledge my own mistakes where I staggered in my faith, or made mistakes in my own ignorance’s -- and especially where I remember those I have hurt, and I do want to say a big "sorry" for every one of these.
I realize now how important every person is and how much love God has for his creation that still suffers because we all continue to hurt ourselves and those around us. Generations are going to pay for some of our decisions.
What can I do for you many ask? I need your prayers as I continue to tell my story and process my life. The Lord’s prayer leave’s no room for unforgiveness and from where I am, with only months to go, I can also see the glimmer of those pearly gates for real and they are opening.
I look around and am touched by the many who are reaching out to me now - from my past and present. the names the faces -- and the beautiful encouraging words. I am so grateful that I have this time to connect with you all again and thank you for the role you are and still play in my life. I have awesome memories. You are all precious to me.
The best part of this hospital bed that seems so out of place in my home is that I can now receive visitors --- Yes -- I have one friend who already pops in regularly. You are all welcome to come - 20 minutes tops... !
So, if you are so inclined make an appointment with Wilma - my gracious nurse and now receptionist, bring a verse a word of encouragement, best of all a "forgiveness story..." a word, a vision, and a prayer.
We are on this trip together -- all of us
Right now, I see myself as a little helpless lamb held tight to the breast of Jesus by his powerful arms. His fingers buried in my wool, stroking…I know I am loved, safe and almost there!
Love you all…..
Easter Blessings
Cliff
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